Gorilla Warfare

We’ve finally ended our holidays here at MUI and are ready to get back to work doing whatever it was we were doing before the holidays. According to our notes, we drunkenly BORROWED some animal training research from a jolly old omni-aware demi-god that’s as old as time itself who will remain nameless. So, we figured it was time to put that to good use — or so we’ve got here scribbled down on about 600 post it notes that also seem to have been used as drink coasters. Our general idea seemed to be based on two flawless premises…premisesses…pre…propositions:

1. Being an endangered animal is like having diplomatic immunity. Our limited understanding of this principle is that somehow the world has come together to say “There aren’t enough of this animal, so we’re going to let it do whatever the fuck it wants with the hopes that it eventually bangs enough to pull it off the list of being able to do whatever the fuck it wants.” — much like how our understanding of how diplomatic immunity works, sans banging (sourced entirely from Lethal Weapon 2). Ergo endangered animals have diplomatic immunity.
2. We can use the endangered species immunity to… looking for a better word than weaponize… facilitate the enforcement of our agenda to save the world.

Here’s an example before we get into the nuts and bolts of where we’re at on it. Let’s say there’s a certain rainforest where a certain political leader is kinda being a fuck-head and letting some short-sighted shitheads fuck up the habitat of our spirit animal (sloths). We’ll train (and possibly genetically engineer) a team of white rhinoceros to defend that habitat. There’s TWO white rhinos left in the world — so they’ve definitely got some serious immunity. If they’re up in the rainforest, you’d have to shut the whole operation down. Keep in mind, this is just us spitballing at this point for the sake of an example — you’d obviously need a team of support animals that are also endangered.

We figured, due to the nature of the job(s), that it would be best to structure the remainder of the article in the format of a heist.

1. Determining the job
2. Pick the players
3. Prep montage
4. Plan plays out
5. Contingencies run down
6. Parting ways in front of the fountains at the Bellagio Casino
7. Rehashing the premise with female endangered animals (will not be covered in this article series)

Determining the Job

There’s a lot of fucked up shit going on in the world; so it’s hard to pick just one specific thing. So, we’ve decided to create a generalist team for one specific purpose: the protection of lands that should have already been protected, but are being threatened by corporate interests.

Since the creation and eventual but inevitable betrayal of the whole of society at the hands of the British East India Company (seriously, they were such shitlords that it took an act of government to tell them to fuck off: See Government of India Act of 1858) corporate interests have been short sightedly fucking the world. Enron. Exxon. Chevron. Goop. All companies that have no regard for the world that they live in — shortening the lifespan of the Earth by being short-sighted and money oriented. They’ve gone on a tirade destroying important ecosystems, exploiting their customers — we’ve all been privy to their more-public transgressions. We figured this was a good place to start. (Some of) These shitheads are wholesale destroying the environment of some seriously important shit, others are just dissolving away at rational engagement with society with their vagina scented candles. Regardless, environmentally-founded area of denial tactics will be the function of our team.

Picking the Players

To start, we looked up “list of most endangered animals” to determine which animals had the most clout as far as diplomatic immunity goes. We arrived at this site: WWF (the serious one, not the WWF where in 1998, The Undertaker threw Mankind off Hell In A Cell, and he plummeted 16 ft through an announcer’s table) Species Directory. It’s from this list that we decided to draft our team based on their skillset and our knowledge of heist teams.

The Ringleader: Orangutan.

The Hacker / Tech Engineer: Black-footed Ferret.

The Demolitions Expert: Galapagos Penguin.

The Casanova: Giant Panda.

The Driver / Getaway Facilitator: Sumatran Elephant.

The Infiltration Specialist: Amur Leopard.

The Street-Smart Thief: Black Spider Monkey.

The Muscle: Western Lowland Gorilla.

The Comic Relief: Red Panda.

The Plan Plays Out

First, We’d need to explain the plan. The idea would go something like this. The casanova (Giant Panda) would be found wherever we wanted to establish an area of denial — we’ll call this “location X”. This would 1) Kick off an investigation into how a giant panda managed to appear at the location in question and 2) Delay workers fawning over that adorable son of a bitch for at least a few hours.

Next, commerce will win out over the environment. The corporation(s) and government(s) involved will inevitably attempt to extricate our casanova from location X. Via a complex and technical communications system, our technical expert (Black-footed Ferret) will be providing detailed location information on the movements of the teams attempting to remove our casanova from location X. Our technical expert will then upload a viral video of casanova playing around with some of the workers. Now corporate PR is involved attempting to quell the backlash of internet nerds violently raging from the comfort of the couches and computer chairs.

PR will delay the operation for a week to let the internet forget about the whole thing. This will allow time for the sticky fingered thief (Black Spider Monkey), informed by the tech expert (Black-footed ferret) via our incredibly complex and technical communications system to pilfer some raw materials from the construction equipment that those corporate shitlords planned to use to do whatever dickhead thing they planned to do.

Finally, after a week, the internet will forget — probably in some scenario where half the internet argues with the other half over a celebrity nip-slip as to whether it is empowering, embarrassing, slutty (their words not ours — we believe all nipples, man or woman nipples, should fly free), or coincidentally planned to coincide with the release of their music album featuring pop covers of old folk songs. Anyway, the internet will forget and operations will resume at location X. Or, will they??

The corporate shitheads will send a team of lackeys to retrieve casanova. ONLY TO FIND OUT IT’S NOT CASANOVA, BUT ACTUALLY THE COMIC RELIEF (Red Panda) THAT’S JUST BEEN PAINTED BLACK AND WHITE TO LOOK LIKE CASANOVA. Enraged, the shitheads will probably resort to violence. It’s now time for the extract. The ground rumbles and shakes as the lackeys close in on our lovable comic relief. BAM. IT’S THE DRIVER (Sumatran Elephant) FULLY DECKED OUT IN ARMOR AND SHIT FASHIONED FROM THE PIECES OF CONSTRUCTION EQUIPMENT THAT THE THIEF AND THE TECH EXPERT WERE STEALING A FEW PARAGRAPHS AGO. Driver and comic relief extract in a blaze of glory and peace the fuck out of location X.

Now, you’ve probably got two questions:

1. Ok. But how does that save location X?
2. What about all the other animals?

We’re glad that we thought that you would ask that. We’ll answer question 2 first, and that should answer one once we’re done.

You see, the hijinx at location X was all a ruse. While comic relief and driver were fucking around with some heavy equipment operators, we’ve still got the other animals in motion elsewhere. Where? Corporate headquarters for the corporate shitheads.

So, let’s rewind to when the internet still cared about this issue. Corporate is a shit show and these everyday Dick and Janes are not prepared to handle the excess negative attention. This causes enough daily distraction for casanova — doing his best person impression like “Mondays amirite?” and “I need those OKRs for our KPIs by COB tomorrow.” — slips in as a new hire. He props the door open one night for our infiltration specialist (CAT Burglar felt a bit on-the-nose — it’s the Amur Leopard for those of you who are so riveted by the twists and turns of this twisted tale to scroll up) to slip in. But, it’s not just our infiltration specialist that slips in, it’s also tech expert riding in an adorable little satchel we made especially for this job. We even embossed it. It says “Go Team!” because we’re proud mamas.

Anyway, a tech expert and infiltration specialist work their way through various physical locks, technical barriers, and close calls with some janitorial staff. They split up. Tech expert diverts to IT and infiltration specialist heads off to the C-Level suites.

Tech expert takes care of the following:

1. Adjusts the culmination of their data failovers to a single physical data center.
2. Adds ringleader (orangutan) to the corporate directory replacing one of the C-Level executives (this will come into play later). CFO is desirable, but any will do in a pinch.
3. Cooks the accounting books (if they even need cooking to get the corp in trouble) and copies the data

Infiltration specialist will sneak into the C-Level suites and replace the office decorations of the C-Level executive that gets replaced so that it looks as though the ringleader has been there the whole time.

Both exfiltrate quitely.

Once the muscle (Western Lowland Gorilla) and the demolitions expert (Galapagos Penguin) get the go ahead from the crew at the corporation’s headquarters, they’ll get to work at the data center. The muscle will hurl the demo expert onto the roof of this, probably very secure, data center. Keep in mind that 1) our muscle is a goddamned gorilla and could probably throw that penguin like John Elway throwing the Vortex Mega Howler. 2) Penguins are birds and are built to at least be aerodynamic enough to land onto the roof of a highly secure data center.

Once on the roof, the penguin will go about sabotaging the fire extinguishers and the HVAC — assuming the penguin will blow these up being the demo expert and all — but we figure will make this discretionary and let the penguin choose. This will destroy the only (as far as the corporation knows) real copy of the accounting ledgers as well as a shitload of really important info that the corporation needs to survive.

This all happens while all of the C-Levels are at location X doing some PR shit to dull the negative impressions of their reprehensible actions. They go to leave, but there’s someone missing… the CFO (or whatever C Level ended up getting replaced). In the commotion, they got kidnapped by the comic relief and the driver. BUM BUM BUMMMMMM.

Now, for checkmate. The ringleader shows up to work. This whole situation is obviously a huge fucking deal. A huge corp getting railed from all angles (heh) over the course of a week or so is big news, especially when there’s financial destruction at this scale. The FBI gets involved. During the FBI’s investigation, the ringleader indicates that this was all an inside job by all the C-Levels, and that there’s proof. The cooked accounting ledgers. The ringleader turns in the accounting ledgers to show rampant fraud and abuse. The FBI takes those corporate assholes to trial and the ringleader acts as a key witness. After all, according to the only records that still exist — the ringleader is the CFO. When one of the C-Levels on the defense stands up and screams “That’s not our CFO, that’s an orangutan!” The prosecution can simply present the records of the ringleader being the CFO into evidence.

We’ll just let that mindfuck sit for a bit.

RIGHT?!?! It had us on the edge of our seats too!

Oh. Eventually, the real CFO is released, but they return to find their company in shambles and under severe scrutiny for the FBI. They come to the conclusion it’s time to move on.

And that is how you save a plot of land, important habitat, watershed, etc… from being destroyed by corporate greed.

Contingencies

It almost makes us want to smoke a cigarette after that good mind-dicking. But, because we’re careful and we care about our endangered pals. We obviously have contingencies in place. The first is what we’re all here for in the first place. All of these animals have diplomatic immunity. If at any point they get caught, they can just play the “I’m an endangered species” card and there isn’t shit anyone can do about it. The second contingency is that we’ve taught them to solve this the American way — with the overwhelming and unstoppable violence of firearms. You read that right. We trained every single one of these animals in a varied use of small and large arms. Ringleader alone is proficient on 8 different weapons platforms. So, in the event that the team has to do the unthinkable and go on a killing spree, it will at least be marketable as a major motion picture to children above the age of 13.

Wrapping up

This is where we and the rest of the team stand quietly in front of the fountains at the Bellagio Hotel and Casino and slowly go our own ways. We take pause to reflect on a job well done and appreciate each other’s company one last time before we silently say our final goodbyes… for now at least.

Well, that’s it for now. We hope this acts as an inspirational primer on endangered species awareness and the power of friendship.

XOXO

Minimally Useful Industries